WHEREAS, I AM A PERSON OF COLOR, albeit beige, which, granted, is a pretty boring color, but a color all the same; and

WHEREAS, I AM A NATIVE AMERICAN, because - even though my land wasn't stolen - I was born here and have lived in this country all my life, except for four years in California, which, unless that disqualifies me, technically makes me a native of America; and

WHEREAS, I LEAD AN ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE, because I go to bed earlier and eat more at a sitting than most folks, and use my living room for dining, and my dining room mostly for gift-wrapping; and

WHEREAS, I AM DIFFERENTLY ABLED, being a better juggler than most folks, but being unable to stand up on ice skates, or pick something off the floor without making an old-man grunting noise (my Native American name, incidentally, being Old Man Grunting); and

WHEREAS, I AM A SENIOR CITIZEN, because, though I'm just 42 and don't get those generous discounts, I certainly don't consider myself a junior citizen; and

WHEREAS, I AM CHEMICALLY DEPENDENT, on nicotine, which also makes me a PERSECUTED MINORITY, and caffeine, which enables me to perform tasks in the morning that require basic conceptual skills, such as putting toothpaste, as opposed to Preparation H, on my toothbrush; and

WHEREAS, I AM PHYSICALLY CHALLENGED, by yard work, by most sports, and by all the other aches and pains associated with being Old Man Grunting; and

WHEREAS, I HAVE A LIFE COMPANION, or significant other, and she is female, and I am male, and we practice (though not enough to get really good at it) heterosexuality, which, like homosexuality, is neither a cross to bear nor a badge of honor and which, like being white or black, male or female, is nothing to brag about; it's just the way you happen to be; and

WHEREAS, I WAS RAISED IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL HOME, one where those window-locking clasps never worked right, which was OK because I could always get back in when I locked myself out; and

WHEREAS, I AM MENTALLY UNSTABLE, being able to think better in the morning, after coffee, when I feel nearly ready to tackle healthcare reform, than in the afternoon, after lunch, when I just want to watch Oprah and take a nap; and

WHEREAS, I AM CULTURALLY DEPRIVED, mostly at my own choosing, being a person who prefers sitting on the couch, eating onion dip and watching Magnum P.I. repeats, to an evening with, say, caviar and Madame Butterfly; and

WHEREAS, I AM FULL-FIGURED, which I guess is better than being partially figured, as a result of sitting on aforementioned couch eating aforementioned onion dip; and

WHEREAS, I HAVE A MULTICULTURAL FAMILY, my wife being from Kentucky, my son being from Korea, myself being from North Carolina; and, though we don't eat grits with chopsticks, or make it a point to CELEBRATE DIVERSITY, we do quietly appreciate our individual heritages and each other's; and we do favor PLURALISM, particularily when it comes to grits, which, without PLURALISM, would be just grit, and that doesn't sound very tasty, does it?

THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED, once and for all, that we all lighten up and call things what they are, rather than by vague, empty, wholly undescriptive, totally confusing, usually inaccurate phrases that, for all their intended sensitivity, are often more insulting, and for all their effort to politely sidestep, end up focusing even more attention on what's being sidestepped;

And be it further resolved that, although Marge Schott, Pat Buchanan and other stupid and hateful people may say some stupid and hateful things, a better reaction than boycotting, obsessing or protesting about it might be to say, "Boy, what a jerk," and get on with life.

And be it still even furthermore resolved that, since speech is free, and we usually get what we pay for, everyone should just let people talk how they want to talk, before we all just stop talking at all.

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